What if you just gave up?

“The essential surrender happens within you, it has nothing to do with anybody outside you. The basic surrender is a relaxation, a trust — so don’t be misguided by the word. Linguistically, surrender means to surrender to somebody, but religiously, surrender simply means trust, relaxing. It is an attitude rather than an act: you live through trust.”—Osho

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“Your willpower is the problem,” my osteopath said as he treated me last week.
I laughed.

Determined. Stubborn. Strong-willed. That’s me. Hell, I was going to walk from Rome to Jerusalem with a bung left hip and my left ankle still recovering from a severe sprain—I couldn’t get more strong-willed than that.

I laughed because he spoke the truth.
I laughed to distract from what is most raw and sensitive inside me.

I laughed except it’s not funny. Living with daily pain isn’t fun or funny.

The cortisone shot I had last week hasn’t “cured” the neuroma in my foot. The swollen lump has shrunk but the pain remains. Now the only other last resort option is to kill the nerve in my foot user laser-guided technology.

Except this doesn’t sound like a great option because I’m sure I was born with that nerve in my foot for a reason and so how can killing it be the solution? It might take away the pain but it only targets the effect. I’m all for getting to the heart of issues no matter how hard or painful they might be. My life is about truth. The deepest truth.

Why am I in pain? What is the cause? How do I move out of pain and back into my radiant healthy self?

I do not know.
I do not know.
And this is a challenging space to be in because I am a born problem-solver who cannot solve the riddle of pain in her own body.
I feel helpless not knowing what to do or where to turn.
I do not like feeling helpless because I am strong-willed and determined, independent and fierce. I always figure things out. Except this. It cannot be figured out.

As I walked to my local café after seeing the podiatrist this morning, feeling empty of hope and teary with disappointment, I heard that quiet wise voice within say, “What if you just gave up?”

What if I just gave up?
My eyes flooded with tears—hello truth.

What if I just gave up?
Isn’t giving up paramount to failure? Isn’t giving up letting go of hope?
No. It’s not about that.

Giving up is about resting in peace instead of pushing and striving and resisting all at the same time.
Giving up is to stop the fight within your own body and being.
Giving up allows old structures to fall so new ones can come together, letting go old habits and patterns so new ones can carry you forward.
As with everything in life, it’s one thing to know this intellectually and another to live it in your body.

Surrender has been the constant theme whispered to me throughout these past 10 months of injury and pain.
So often the thing we need to do in life is the very thing we don’t want to do. The lessons we most need to learn keep presenting themselves until we finally learn them.
For me the challenge in surrender is directly and positively correlated to the strength of my will. Strong, strong will equals big, big challenge!

There is no manual to teach you how to surrender. No pre-defined process that will take you there. You cannot think your way to surrender. It’s likely if you think you’ve surrendered you haven’t really and your body will tell you a different story. Surrender is a state of being not another thing to do.

What if I just gave up?
I’ll probably be angry with the question for a while. Hello strong and stubborn will who doesn't like being told what to do!
But I am also holding the question with curiousity and simultaneously opening to the invitation whilst inviting in surrender wondering if somehow, sometime, we might just meet somewhere in between.

With love and courage,

Kym xx

PSI f you know someone who is going through a hard time and struggling with pain, then please share this with them. They might be words they need to hear as well.

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