Asking for inspiration and showing up

It’s 5.43am. Between the gap in curtains the slate grey pre-dusk light mingles with the dark amber glow of the fluorescent street light. A deep silence fills my bedroom, the house, the immediate world around me. But in the distance I can hear a stream of traffic on the freeway already.

I’m not an early riser but this morning, I can’t get back to sleep and my usual tactic of lying still and ignoring my state of sleeplessness until I fall asleep again is not working.

This morning I feel the pull the to get up and write, a pull I haven’t really felt for some months: my blog has remained frozen in time and my newsletters have fallen into silence.

My outer life has been busy in changing ways. My beloved was here with me then I was sick with bronchitis for a month. I am deep in the midst of my final year of studying for my diploma in holistic counseling. Work. Time with loved ones and supporting one through personal crisis then supporting myself through my own grief and sadness of witnessing his suffering. In the gaps in between all of this, there is my beloved silence that I sit in. A space where there is no words.

This sounds like a list of excuses for not writing. It is and it isn’t. I have not felt inspired to write but I haven’t asked for it either.

I remember when I was a little girl sitting at the dining table, desperately wanting another serving of Christmas dinner but not speaking a word. My Nana eventually noticed and said, “You have to ask for what you want.”

I remember the day I walked from Laon to Corbeny in France on the Via Francigena: walking past the woodlands hearing the occasional gunshot and praying that the animals were safe, I wondered why I had no inspiration to write. The response was instant: “Because you haven’t asked,” said the quiet little voice of wisdom within.

Yesterday afternoon I returned to my journal to dream into my work as a counselor and how my writing, my blog and my newsletter form part of this dreaming. I asked for guidance and inspiration. So here I am.

Asking for inspiration is only one part of the equation. Showing up and taking action even when you don’t know where it’s going is the rest, and maybe the most important part.

So here I am—trusting and unquestioning, and willing to see what unfolds.

With love and courage to turn up,