All my heart wants to do is write, but I keep procrastinating and distracting myself with searching for stuff like a refillable purple pen so I don’t keep throwing out single use pens, and books, lots of books, because I love books and could drown in them.
The more time I spend searching, the sadder my heart becomes. I am not doing what it really wants to do. I am doing anything but, and the anything I am doing isn’t particularly meaningful even if I justify it with logic and reasons.
I am scared.
Fear doesn’t want me to write that down. It becomes squirmy and slippery like an eel.
Fear doesn’t want to be inquired into. It has special protective powers like mind blanking. As soon as my conscious mind starts to inquire into fear it can freeze everything and wipe the slate clean. It’s a lot like being a deer in headlights.
Fear can try to disguise itself and hide but it can’t hide very well anymore. I have worked hard to cultivate my awareness and stand in my power so it can’t take over completely or for too long no matter what tricks it pulls.
But yes, here it is now, shaking and quivering around me. Every step I take closer to listening to my heart and writing what it has to say, fear gets louder and louder.
It pleads that I don’t do this, for I will be found out, people will know that I have nothing valuable or original to say and that I can’t really write. I will reveal myself as a fraud. And even if I do write, no one will want to read it anyway so I will waste my time and embarrass myself by even trying.
Fear says stay here where it’s safe, where you don’t risk failure, where you don’t expose yourself and make yourself vulnerable.
I pause and ponder, taking in all that fear has to say, and then I respond.
I can’t stay here and I can’t not do this. I have procrastinated and avoided the call of my heart for long enough and I have suffered.
I am parched and withered and dying a slow fruitless death docked to this wharf of safety but the waves keep lapping at me and the horizon beckons me to explore what lies out there beyond this safe mooring and I must go.
I may return and I may not.
I may find others to journey with me or I may ride the waves alone.
I may discover there are many people interested in the treasures I discover or I may be the only one who is interested.
I may discover riches or I may be lead into the realm of nothingness, just drifting in a sea of blue.
The bounty could be all or it could seem to be nothing.
None of this matters. All that truly matters is that when you hear or feel the call of your Soul, you answer and you go.
If you keep fixating on the world you see, if you keep trying to find your place within it, you will play too small and limited.
There is a whole cosmos of possibility within you. Say yes and discover it.
As for fear, well fear will take the journey with you. It may never leave your side.
It may always be the voice that pleads for you to return to shore where everything appears more steady and certain, especially when you sail into new unknown territory or face waves bigger than you’ve ever seen before.
But you can take fear by the hand and talk to it, reassure it that you’re here for the adventure and not the safe harbour, and remind it of the times you ventured into unknown territory and things turned out okay.
You may never be fearless but you may fear less and even discover how bold, and daring you truly are.
With love and courage,