The training of surrender

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The training of surrender
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."—Woody Allen

The days until the start of my pilgrimage are falling away so gracefully just like autumn leaves floating and twirling their way to the ground. There are only 3 days left of my work contract, 3 weeks until I fly to Munich and just over 5 weeks until I take my first steps from Rome towards Jerusalem.

In the last two weeks there has been a little slow walking when I have felt the urge but no training.

My Morton’s Neuroma in my left foot has settled down but not gone altogether. And my body has had a painful time adjusting to the orthotics prescribed by my podiatrist. They jarred my lower back and even now, 3 weeks later, I have almost constant lower back pain.

But this isn’t the reason I’m not training.

I surrendered the notion of training for this pilgrimage when I realised how I was pushing and striving and slamming the feminine part of myself that just wants to flow and move with joy.

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Another standstill

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Another standstill

There are only 9 weeks left until I take my first steps from Rome to Jerusalem and again I have been brought to a standstill.

I have been pushing myself hard over the last few weeks since the ligaments I tore in my ankle at the end of March healed enough that I could start hiking. I have effectively been working the equivalent of 4 days in 3 as my contract's project moved into a critical phase, plus walking 3 days per week up to 20 kilometres per session, plus finishing the edits on my book so I could try and publish it before I leave, and not to mention trying to finalise plans to walk and pack up my life for 6 months or more.

Then 1 week ago, after back-to-back days walking 16 and 20 kilometres in the Dandenong Ranges and beside the Yarra River wearing the Princess boots, the Morton’s neuroma in my left foot returned. The nerve between my third and fourth metatarsals is compressed and fibrous tissue has formed around it causing constant pain and discomfort.

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The power of silence

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The power of silence
"Silence is a source of great strength." — Lao Tzu

Silence is a continuing theme in my life right now and Lao Tzu’s quote has inspired me again.

Dictionary.com defines silence as the absence of sound; stillness.

I define silence as the great undercurrent that holds everything together.

When sound is absent, there is still something there. If you pay attention and try to hear silence, you can feel it. It is an energy that has a deep and eternal source. It holds us as if in cupped hands even when we’re busy noisemakers, even when we forget that it is there.

It is the silence that carries me when I walk and helps me to keep going when the going gets tough.

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A story about falling and its lessons

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A story about falling and its lessons
"What you can plan is too small for you to live." — David Whyte

For the last six weeks I have danced with an illness that has required me to pull back from boxing, social activities and even walking. I have walked only 10 to 12 kilometres once each when I planned to be walking significantly more by now. Sometimes even this was too far and I had to pull back into rest and stillness. It felt like one step forward, one step back.

Then on Sunday, in one single moment, every thing changed. Unexpectedly, I took a giant step back into a stepless place.

I just finished writing my newsletter, put my computer aside then stood to walk upstairs to fetch my sheets to launder when disaster stuck. The toes of my sleepy left foot curled under and the full weight of my body came down hard on the top of my foot that was touching the ground where the sole should have been. Pain roared instantly and I knew that my foot was badly injured — that it could even be broken.

Standing on my right leg only, I pulled off my ugg boot, looked at my left foot and gasped in horror. On top of my foot was a huge, dark lump, the size of a small chicken egg getting larger by the second. I needed to ice it and elevate it immediately.

I managed to hop to the freezer to grab an ice pack, hop to the bench to grab the phone then hop over to the couch and raise my foot up above my heart. Then the shock kicked in. I phoned friends for help, sobbing that I’d done something really bad to my foot, rang the after hours medical clinic for an appointment so I could avoid spending hours waiting in emergency at a hospital, then lay on the couch shivering from the shock as I waited for my friend Tracy to arrive.

As I waited, I wondered how this would impact my pilgrimage: would it be better if it were broken or just soft tissue damage i.e. which would heal more quickly? Will it heal in time to walk in September? What if it doesn’t heal in time? How would I feel if I had to postpone the pilgrimage?

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Why walk thousands of kilometres at 4 km/h? Watch my Via Francigena video to see why

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Why walk thousands of kilometres at 4 km/h? Watch my Via Francigena video to see why
"But in every walk with nature, one receives far more than he seeks.” — John Muir

Back in my career-focused days, I rarely paid attention to the natural world around me. I spent a lot of time indoors: in the office, in airports, in shopping centres, in the lounge room watching television. I rushed from place to place not seeing anything but the next appointment or event ahead of me. In my rushing, I was not only disconnected from the nature of the world around me but also from myself.

Then, I went to Thailand on my 12-month sabbatical where my life instantly slowed down. On my first night in Phuket, I experienced this sunset...

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The happiness of boot hunting

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The happiness of boot hunting
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler

Once upon a time in what seems another lifetime ago, I used to spend almost every weekend at Melbourne's fashion capital — Chadstone shopping centre, spending a lot of money buying lots of clothes and shoes. Almost every weekend. Seriously. I didn’t even really like shopping but still I went every weekend and spent a lot of money that I often felt guilty about. 

What I didn’t consciously understand at the time was that I was trying to fix everything that was wrong in my inner world by making it look all shiny and perfect on the outside.

The truth was that I was desperately unhappy – in my relationship with my long-term boyfriend, in my career and within myself. And instead of facing what was really going on, I distracted myself by shopping for clothes to mask my loneliness, depression and misery with all things shiny and new.

In the middle of my spiritual crisis/awakening, I found the courage to walk away from what was no longer serving me – my relationship, my career and even my shopping – to follow my heart out into the world on a twelve month adventure that became a way of life.

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Introducing my first eBook...and it's FREE

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Introducing my first eBook...and it's FREE

Getting lost and finding my way are two things I know intimately.

Around seven years ago, I experienced a spiritual crisis as the perfect and safe life I created unravelled around me. Eventually, I took a leap of faith, leaving the life I knew behind to follow my heart out into the world to answer a simple but difficult question: what do I want to do with my life that will bring me alive everyday using my unique gifts to make a difference in the world?

That leap of faith eventually led me to discover pilgrimage and the adventure of walking through foreign landscapes alone to a holy destination.

As I walked the Via Francigena, I got lost, a lot, and I cried a lot too. But I always found my way and I learned how to embrace being lost.

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