How to use radical compassion to help yourself through a freeze state (or any difficult emotion or experience)
Some members of my community have been telling me that they’re in various states of freeze that they've been in for quite some time, or that they’re really challenged by going into a freeze response in certain situations such as being criticised by a loved one or having anger directed towards them.
So in this helpful article, I explain:
what a freeze state is
why you can get stuck in a freeze response
the typical approaches people react to a freeze and why they don’t work
how radical self-compassion can help you through a freeze state or difficult experience; and
I guide you through a process that combines Tara Brach’s RAIN with somatic touch to help you through your experience
AND there’s a BONUS audio recording of me taking you through the process so you can just listen and do the practice
What is a freeze state?
A freeze state, also known as dorsal vagal shutdown, is where your dorsal vagal system, the more primitive part of your parasympathetic nervous system, activates in response to information and triggers in your environment and body and it slams on the brakes, limiting your ability to take action.
At its extreme, when you're in a freeze, the body won’t move. You're frozen in place, waiting for what your nervous system and brain is neuroceptively perceiving and registering as danger to pass.
It can look like you’re playing dead, lifeless or limp, so that you are not seen as a threat to “the scary bear” of danger in your environment and it will lose interest in you. You can also be in partial freeze where you find you can’t make yourself take some action that you need to take in your life or even activities that bring you joy. Your body simply says no . You may feel a tension and restriction in your limbs as the brake gets pressed down to stop you doing anything.
Freeze and dorsal vagal shutdown can also look like:
Your mind going blank and you can't find words to express yourself or communicate
Being unable to process information or make decisions
Feeling numb, disconnected, spaced out or flat
Depression
Feeling apathy or hopeless towards life
Feeling helpless
Exhaustion
Heaviness in the body
Why do you get stuck in a freeze response?
You may have seen documentaries or videos of animals in the wild such as bison or wildebeest being hunted by lions and then going limp once they’ve been caught. This is the freeze response. What often happens is that the lion may put them down believing that they’re dead or lose interest. The frozen creature then shakes off its frozen state and comes back into a parasympathetcally activated state where they can then run away and save their life.
That shaking off part just often doesn't happen for humans and so we can get stuck in the freeze response because we haven’t been able to shake ourselves out of the freeze or recognise that the danger has passed or there isn’t really anything life threatening in our environment so we can come out of freeze.
This is why you need to tend to and care for your freeze response to help it to pass and for you to come back into safety.
There’s nothing wrong with you when you freeze
Sometimes people tend to think there’s something wrong with them when they’ve gone into a freeze response. I know that I have, especially if I’ve been in a situation where I need to speak but I just can’t. When in freeze, our inner critics can kick in and shame us for not being able to take action.
But it’s important to appreciate and really take in that being in a freeze state doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It’s not your fault that you’ve gone into a freeze response. It’s not something that you decide that you’re going to do. It happens so quickly and outside of your conscious awareness that you cannot control it in the moment.
Your freeze response is activated by your primitive brain and is designed to protect you from what it registers as danger before you consciously recognise danger, because in the wild and more primitive human times, by the time you consciously recognized danger it would be too late and the scary bear or dangerous animal would already be attacking you.
The two ways people tend to approach freeze state and why they don’t work
We tend to take one of two approaches when in a freeze or shut down state.
Firstly, you might try to wait for your nervous system to come out of the freeze state in its own time. But unfortunately, that often means that you can stay in a freeze state for much longer than is necessary. You may eventually come out of freeze in your own time but you can come out of freeze more quickly if you take some action to help yourself come out of the freeze response.
The second approach that people tend to take if they're in a freeze state is to try and get themselves out of a freeze state or out of and away from their experience in a way that doesn't really tend to or care for their experience - so trying to push, override or take action. This is like being in direct conflict with the state you’re in and your current life experience. Instead of getting you out of freeze, your system may respond by slamming the brakes on harder. You don’t unfreeze.
So to help yourself out of a freeze response or you need to take action to care for and tend to your experience and yourself.
Radical compassion and somatic exercises: a more sensitive and loving approach to your freeze or shut-down response (or any challenging experience you are having)
A really beautiful process that can work well for sensitives, empaths, caring, compassionate, nurturing people is meditation teacher and psychologist, Tara Brach’s RAIN practice.
RAIN is an acronym, which stands for recognise, allow, investigate, nurture. It is a mindful process whereby you gently explore, tend to and presence your experience.
RAIN can be applied to anything you are experiencing in your life. I find that when it’s applied to a freeze or shutdown response combined with some somatic exercises that it can bring a gentle warmth that can help to begin to “defrost” the freeze and ease you back into safety, social engagement and flow again.
The medicine in this process is the qualities and metaskills – the way you approach each step. It requires gentleness, loving curiousity, welcoming, a willingness to be with and for your experience, not against it. It requires you to feel what is happening in and around your body. It won’t work if you are too cognitive, analytical or mental about your experience.
RAIN is a practice of radical self compassion, which I believe is a medicine, metaskill and quality that we need more of collectively and individually, especially if you grew up in an environment where there wasn't a lot of nurture, where you were perhaps pushed to achieve things or to do things earlier than then you were ready for or there was just a lack of kind of tenderness and loving nurture in in your family.
Applying RAIN and somatic touch to your freeze state or challenging experience
Here’s how you can apply RAIN and somatic touch to your freeze state.
1. Starting with R, which is to recognise what is happening
The first step is recognising that you’re frozen, or don’t know what to do, or can’ find words, or have gone blank, or feel shutdown, or whatever challenging experience you are having. Then just notice a little bit more deeply what sensations are in your body, what thoughts are going through your mind and what emotions you feel.
Things I notice when I recognise a freeze state in myself include:
My mind is blank
It feels like my brain is clicking over but I can't find information.
I can feel a tension in my body. My muscles in my arms and legs feel constricted, holding me in place.
I feel empty or numb
I don't know what to do.
I feel hopeless.
I don't know how to get myself out of this.
In this step, you want to become aware of what’s happening in your body and what the major feeling or experience is and give it a name.
2. The second step is A, to allow life to be just as it is in this moment
This step is really important, because often in freeze or whatever challenging state we are in, we don’t want to be there, we’re trying to find a way out, which is to be against it. This can lock you into a battle against your own experience.
So in this step, you’re finding a yes or okay or nod towards what your experience currently is. Fighting or ignoring your experience can cause more pain.
Okay, I'm in a freeze. I'm in a shutdown response. I'm having this experience of feeling depressed or hopeless or helpless. I can't find my way out right now and it’s okay. This is my experience right now and saying yes, okay or allowing it to be in your own way/
You may need to stay here for a bit and just breathe into your belly or tension and ease into allowing your experience.
You may like to put a hand on your heart and somewhere lovingly on your body. See if you can help your mind relax so that you're not against where you're at in this moment. You're not trying to find your way out and you're not being against your experience of life. It's okay.
3. The third step is I, to investigate with a gentle curious attention
So bringing in a deeper inquiry, using your curiosity, gentle, awareness and noticing to what is happening in your experience. This is about being present with your experience as you track it through your body and system.
You may like to scan your body for sensations. What do you most strongly feel. What tensions are here.
Can you name emotions that come up and where they are in your body. Maybe there's a fear in you throat or stomach. Maybe grief sits in your heart or behind your eyes. Maybe you just feel empty in an around you
See if you can identify any beliefs that might be causing pain or difficulty.
You may need to take some time to inquire and wait to see what arises. The thoughts can be quiet or hidden. You might notice phrases like “I don't feel safe. It's not safe to move forward. It's not safe to be me. I'm going to be attacked or rejected or ridiculed or become destitute. Or maybe it’s I don’t know what to do.”
Notice what you most dislike about your experience.
Notice if there's a really scared or hurt part of yourself that might be reacting and sending you into the freeze and seeing if you can just gently inquire with this part of you about what it needs from you and what it might need from someone else.
While this step is called Investigate, it's not about analyzing yourself. It's not about being really cognitive or self-critical. It's about noticing what is arising. You're practicing being present with your experience in a deeper, loving way.
4. The last step of RAIN is to nurture with loving presence
Once you’ve investigated your experience and got a sense of what you need, then this step is about responding and giving to yourself what you need. It could be reassuring words or wrapping your arms around yourself or imagining a loved one sending you love or speaking wise words.
If you don't know what you need or how to respond you can just bring compassion to yourself. Or you can imagine what you would say or do if there was a small, young child in front of you who was terrified. How would you respond to that sweet young child?
You'll probably find that your tone of voice changes and becomes softer and gentler. You offer a spaciousness and loving presence. You're not asking what is wrong but reassuring that “hey, I'm here with you. It's okay. You're safe with me.” You may gently embrace the child or sit down beside them and put an arm around them.
In this step you are cultivating deep compassion and care for yourself and giving it to yourself. This is where I like to bring in somatic techniques. You may like to gently rub, pat or squeeze your arms and other parts of your body. Rubbing your hands up and down your thighs can be really soothing, calming and grounding.
As you do, speak reassuring words to the parts of you that are scared or hurting. You’re okay. I’m here with you. You’re not alone. Everything’s going to be okay. We’ve got this. Just being in a loving space with yourself and encouraging and reassuring yourself.
It’s really important to receive and to take in what you are saying and the nurture you are giving yourself and not just say the words or do the action without feeling it. So let yourself hear what you are saying to yourself AND take it in and receive it into your body and being by feeling the compassion and nurture. Breathe and feel it in your body.
You may feel some tension in your body start to melt. It may feel a little bit painful. There could be some pain around the body. You might experience tears, which is very normal when you start to come out of a freeze response especially if you’ve been in a deep or long freeze or if you’ve deeply missed feeling nurtured in your life.
You can listen to me guide you through the process by clicking the button below
What if it doesn’t work?
Remember that not every technique or approach works for everyone. So if you try RAIN and you don’t feel like it helps you the first time, perhaps try it again another day. Some approaches require practice. Sometimes, a technique is just not for you and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you if you don’t find it helpful.
Sometimes when we’re in freeze states, we need the help of another person with a safe and regulated nervous system to help us come out of freeze. If you’re needing support, then you can find out how you can work with me here or send me an email.
With love and courage
Kym xx
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