Grief is not the price of love (written and video blog)
“Grief is the price of love” is a quote attributed to English psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes and one that I often see shared on social media, usually by those who have lost someone they love and are in a long and deep grief process; it gives some solace, explanation and justification for the pain they are experiencing and it’s longevity.
However, this perspective offers a limited understanding of the complex nature of both grief and love and sends a confusing double message about both. It suggests that there is a price of love, which we all know is given and received freely and cannot be bought; this perpetuates capitalist thinking and insinuates that love is transactional, when it is not. It can cause you to diminish, invalidate or ignore grief that arises that isn’t associated with love. This disenfranchisement of grief can lead to loneliness and isolation and exacerbate the pain you are experiencing as well as the longevity of your grief.
Watch my Youtube video below or keep reading below for the written version of this article….
If grief isn’t the price of love, what is it?
Grief is the process and range of emotions that we go through in response to loss of any kind. The quote, “Grief is the price of love,” really speaks to bereavement, which is a specific type of grief related to someone dying (including animal companions.)
Grief affects everyone in different ways, and it's possible to experience any range of emotions. For some people grief can be very overwhelming and even become complicated where symptoms continue for a long time and get harder to cope with rather than easier and can have intense and overwhelming feelings that impact day to day living.
While grief will be experienced in the form of bereavement when you lose a loved one through death, or when a relationship ends. There are many losses we experience that result in grief where there may not have been love.
Some of these types of experiences you may have that cause grief include:
You are fired or made redundant from a job or there is a restructure at work that changes your role and responsibilities, team structures or colleagues change
You have to move home
You lose the safety or predictability in your life
You lose our health or physical capability - this includes disability or a condition or disease progressing
Dementia or memory loss personally, or a loved one has dementia or memory loss and the person you felt you know has gone
The loss of plans, hopes, dreams or opportunities, the lost potential of what could have been possible
In response to natural disasters or climate change
When a belief that you’ve held for a long time is shattered or changed
Loss of identity through spiritual awakening or kundalini processes
When your idea of who someone else is shattered or changed because of deceit or truth emerging
The parenting or love you wished you received but didn’t
It’s also possible to carry or experience grief that isn’t yours but that of a parent or an ancestor in your family system.
And when you lose a loved one through death or the end of a relationship, it’s not just the person that you grieve, but the relationship itself and what that gave you including social connections and status.
The painful burden of disenfranchised grief
The reason I want you to know and recognise that grief is not just about love is because any loss you experience that you believe or societiy considers less relevant can lead to disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief is a burden you carry alone because nobody sees or understands what you’re going through, believes that it’s a big deal or matters, or understands why it’s taking you so long to “get over.” This means you can’ t talk openy about your experience leaving you isolated and alone with your grief. This makes grief more painful and can compound its longevity and I don’t want this for you or anyone.
If there were only 3 things you take away from reading this blog, I hope it is this:
Grief is about loss
Grief is a process as well as a range of emotions
Grief is not always directly linked to love
Grief is a really big, deep, sensitive and sacred topic and experience, one that I have much compassion and tenderness for as I have been through my own long and painful journeys with grief and disenfranchised grief and supported others through theirs. I offer this blog to you with sensitivity, compassion and care. I truly don’t want your grief to be disenfranchised ever.
If you are struggling with big emotions, to function in life because of your grief process or feel that you have to hide your grief from others, please reach out for help, whether that is from me, a trusted loved one or another therapist. I know reaching out for help requires a leap of faith and a burst of courageousness, but staying isolated and alone with your experience is more painful.
With love and courage,
Kym xx
